joshy_said

ok, so... I know I haven't posted here in a while... but I needed to put this somewhere....

So... there was this guy that I had this really HUGE schoolboy crush on when I first started at Newtown...
Alas, he had a bf at the time, and then they broke up, and then he had the HSC and left, never to be seen again...

Then, today, wearing my lucky underwear, I finished my lecture on Psychology and sat down in a park to get on the net and whatever... then... I here this 'Hey sorry, but can I borrow your lighter' and like a bad b-grade romance, it was him... I said 'did you go to newtown?' and so on... this lasted about an hour... then he had to go study... OMG... I feel so happy atm... and im not sure why... maybe its the thought of being able to talk to this guy that I thought I would never ever see again, and that now we go to the same uni... I dunno... any way, even if I dont see him ever again on campus, at least I will know where he is... for this year anyway, turns out its his last year again...

Anyway, I forgot to ask politely for his email or number, and then realised that I still had his number from when he was at newtown... hopefully its the same one...

yay, dances like a girl
JoshySaid

Well... I got my letter of acceptance for uni! and the good news is, I was allowed to start in BA arts - Psych & Dip Ed, rather than just Ba Arts - Ed.... So thats great news....

But REALLY, What the FUCK are my Classes supposed to be??? I have absolutely no idea... The Psych dep. website was at least helpful and said I had to do Psy 104, Psy 105 and STAT 170, and I think Ive got those down pat... but Education has so many freaking options and no clear guide as to what I have to do or not, and the list seems inlcude only grade II classes... which I dont understand seeing that I havent done !.... So anyone who could help, please call... my enrollment thingo is on monday and I have no idea...

Thanks,
Joshy

OK...
so, should I be hunting for a boyfriend?
Do I want one?
I would like the friendship, and to be frank the sex, but I want somebody to experience things with. Music, Art, Movies, life, love, various juiced fruit smoothies...
But then, Ive wasted all my pathways, I think.
Slept with everyone I can throw sticks at and either I dont want to be with them in a relationship or they dont want to be with me.
Would I still want to sleep with other people? yes.
but I dont think I know how to have a relationship anymore... Either Ive forgotten all the silly rules and 'which base is which' or Im to far employed in my own self worth and need for gratification that a bf is out of the picture.

Where do I look?
in a club in the city? on some gay chat website? through various friends fones? I just dont know nemore...

ne way, I feel like I want to learn to love someone.
I havent really since glen, and as masochistic and sadistic that relationship was it worked in a way. I wanted to hurt and I did, he wanted to play victim and he did, but then we both fell in love with playing these silly characters and crashed and burnt everything till we had nothing left except hurt and victims...

The big D really gave me a chance to start over, or rather, workthrough what ever it is I feel, or whatever, and now I want to fall in love...

Ive always found that stupid. When a woman gets 'clucky' when she sees a baby... but now, Im getting 'clucky' when I see other people in love, or at least lust, or even just together...

But wanting love, and wanting a boyfriend, seems... dumb...
Shouldnt I be looking for these things in relationships I have built over the years? or meeting up with friends of friends?

So, in conclusion, as my sister gets drunk post yr12 formal...

I am now D&D and not in the nerdy gay way, but perhaps that also. I am desperate and Dateless. Sooooo hook me up with sum hot bitches, please.

So....What am I doing? Sitting in my room typing from my wireless keyboard and typing onto my 20” widescreen LCD monitor, while watching television on the same screen… Why have I spent so much money? (I don’t really know);
From a deeply seeded impression left by my parents love of having $100,000. dollars debt, that has left me always obtaining objects before being in a position to pay for them.
For the chase of being in debt, owning things without owning them, owing things to someone other than myself, even if it’s a large company without a singular face, because it has no singular face.
An unhappiness or willing to create an unhappiness just to upset the flow of things, to create drama, to create tension, to inflict pain in a platonic relationship between a masochistic self.
Just because.
Just because I want to, just because I need to, I want to, I feel it, I am relieved by it, I attempt to undertake a sense of responsibility, that I have felt or thought of feeling while on my own, rather than back at the parents, in Germany. The choices are mine, and maybe Im just making that perfectly clear to the only person who doesn’t and needs to understand it, myself.

Witherto happinnes and post happiness and all that jazz, take of your clothes and Ill show you your light source, but is it there? In the dark bush, in the musk, why/how can I love my self and love thine bush? Take me out, and take me with you.

To be content is to struggle, and if I cant chuck my self out of my parents house, I may aswell do it in high fashion.

There are memories in my pillow.

There are memories in my pillow,
my kissen, my kiss.
Memories of you, and him, and others,
not forgotten,
but not exactly remebered.


Im asking my pillow now,
in vain,
to leave those memories.


Im asking those memories to leave,
I want to sleep in peace,
to yearn the holding of another or to grieve.
And what shall I dream tonight?

Decisions are mine,
and life what I make it.
the drifting of choices,
the choice not to fake it.

I will stand and fight for who I am,
but I will not draw swords,
nor words,
I will draw myself,
as I wish it to be,
and thats how it is.

You can chose to think its shallow or fake -
or to confident or feminine,
but its my choices that shape me,
and the decisions are mine,
and thats why Im content, at this point in time.

"Once tagged by this entry, the assignment is to write a blog entry of some kind with six random facts about yourself. Then, pick six of your friends and tag them; no tag backs. This explanation should be included."

1. I play piano, I sing, I write. I like to create... Im currently troubled to whether this is just a god complex or something I really want to go on with. The truth is, when I was in Germany I starved myself of my creationisms (and food) (and certainly not alchahol) and now that Im back I am rejuvinated and excited about the paths I am taking, even if they are just in my head.

2. I dont think Im able to show how amazed I am by somethings and somepeople some of the time... but... I would like to. you know the people (probably you), who, when someone goes 'Hey look at that!' and point to something you have never seen before and something you have always wanted to see, or otherwise is just unbelievably great? and naturally you would say 'Wow!' or another exclamtion... I find my self saying 'wow, Ive seen one just like it, but bigger.' Why? I want exclamations away from arguments... I would love one day to not need to feel this way, I think I need the security though, but I dont. I want vulnerability. I am craving just a little bit, to be on the edge a bit longer... I settled in to quick to Olivers, or I cover it up to easily.

3. My dream and goal at this time in history is to be published. Problem is I have nothing to be published. Its just a dream.

4. I still have the odd nightmare or dream about a certain ex-boyfriend. yes, that one. I dont often think of him anymore, or see him buying a coffee or at the train station in a double take. But the dreams are a reminder of where I have come from, and Ive learnt to deal with them. They often upset me, and when they do they usually reccur, letting me know some small message about this and that. Glen is my subconscious' way of letting me know which paths I can take, and which way I have left and which way I am going. He is a haunting symbol, that Im ok with. I suppose thats how many symbols were fused together, and its ok with me.

5. I often do stupid things with money. Ive sold the 'Sims 2' things I bought, due to the fact that they dont work on my computer. but Ive also bought a lot of things I never really needed, wanted, was just curious about, and I have a credit card. the list includes a twenty day subscription to bel ami's website... which was fun, but for over 10 of those days I was away from the internet, and evidently in germany. also on there is Tori's Pianos, but I love them, and it wasnt a mistake. A 30 day subscription to a 'video downloading' website, that really has nothing that I want or need... ie, no cool gay german dramas... and why did I buy 'we are the ark' on german amazon for alot more than shop price?

6. unlike the fantasy I like to play to people, there is one major secret I hold way too close... It is this, and it is fact. My full name is:
this is how it is written on my birth recognition slip (I didnt know that this was different to the other piece of paper that legalised my birth), my licence and my passport. My parents often called me 'Joshua Andrew Monkey Nott' and my sister 'Erin Leigh Missy Possom Nott' however, I do not have odd parents, and although I usually insist that my initials are "J.A.M.'N." they are in fact "Jan" which, is a cruel joke on the new found 'gayness' I like to call myself. So if I put on a dress in the near future, that shall be my name. Jan, and perhaps her middle name can secretly be monkey, because I always loved it while it was mine.

I have no idea who to tag, so I tag all of you (except Ruth, as that would brake the rules) but then fuck that. Ruthie I tag you aswell.

Love Always,
Joshy Nott
aka BoB
aka Joshua Andrew Monkey Nott
aka Jan

*stingray heart*

For Justin

Paid, Released, Shipped! Awaiting Arrival.

Tori's new collection was released today in the states, so should be here soon :oD cant wait! I hope it gets here before friday, but who knows...

In a half dazed bed sitting moment, Channel seven aired two ads in a row.
The first, MC'd by Blue Heelers Top Cop, and main character of an old show that was currently being aired about himself being a judge who drives a Combie, promoted my mums old work 'Alura Waters Retirement Village' which is now called 'Alura Waters Central Coast'. John Wood, Blue Heeler, unfortunately used the word 'we', a mistake on the script writers part, but it comes into play in a second.

The second ad, starred my father, it was his 'oh god your house burnt down, heres some money' ad, and praised the SES and Disaster Welfare department of DOCS,

anyway... In a certain frame of mind, slightly Neil Gaiman-ish, ('Do you want Lucy's Tits?'), I realised I was again a 'we' and home. in the safety of Tasty cheese in a full block, Sour Cream (even if it is lite) and  Australian Television...

'Aus liebe zum Automobil', 'Ich liebe es' and 'The Becks Experience' are my only references to the place that I adore,
With a cockatoo, and a kangaroo, a clothes line out the back,  veranda out the front and an old rocking chair....

With love,
Joshy

Oh and the beginning of a new short, let me know what you think....   :

A Journey of the mind,

Dreaming through your eyes; of,

Wide  Avenues,   Architecture   Spreading,

Like the Long, Petrified, Marble Intestines, of some beast-

Divine.

A

Fallon’s View, from high constrictions,

Cathedrals of a Sacred Heart.

 

As you walk by, I silently whisper,

Thoughts, in your ear.

Before your face, drowns,

In the crowds.

                                                Oliver Lesky

 

A synthesized violin tune wafted melodically through the elevator and within stood Toby riding towards floor thirteen. The steps in technology had improved since the time Toby had composed the first .mid file for elevators, a tune in A major, more suited to a guitar, but slides were more difficult to capture, not that it was a problem now with .xmid or .mid2, but the formats were only compatible with certain systems. Toby supposed this was .xmid that had been reformatted to .mp3 or .cd, but only because he had work on .xmid’s development and was sure he heard the identifiable ‘concert hall’ reverb he had developed, music from which Toby had been born, was now a long strain of 10001110001. Music, Toby thought now, should never have become palondromic. No matter, the elevator made a small ‘ping!’ sound and opened its mirrored doors.